Such Pretty Words' Journal

10:50pm: I really tried today. I've accepted the fact that I am stuck here until September. I woke up before noon. I didn't fight with my parents. When they made those condescending comments I attempted to brush them off, or in actuality, I took them and said nothing in defense. There was no yelling today. I didn't complain to anyone. And now I can't stop shaking.

11:58pm: ( bored )

1:53am: I hate it here. I hate you. Kill me.

8:09pm: Here I am counting down the days till California comes . . .
So, I'm back in Marlborough. Isai'ah and I drove across country starting at 1:30AM on Saturday and finally arriving at 10PM on Wednesday. I could handle being in this shit town with him here by my side, but today he flew back to CA. I miss him tons already. Thank god it will only be 2 months before I get to fly back and see my love . . . and as an added bonus, go to Coachella, but seeing Isai'ah is more important of course. Our friends Owen and Annie eloped last night! Crazy kids!

11:15pm: I wish I could turn back the clocks, the calendar, the time . . .
Wow, what an emotionally exhausting week, and it's only Tuesday. Sunday happened, that was hard. Monday happened, I had to explain my actions of Sunday, that was more hard. Apparently everything is better now. Isai'ah forgave me. I just feel like I have to try and prove myself now, which I don't mind doing. I'll do anything to ease his mind. I have to stay away from Michael now. I would never let it happen again, but I think Isai'ah would feel safer if he knew I wasn't hanging out with him anymore. Michael said he would never try to come between us though, he still wants to be friends, so I don't know what I'm doing. It's all too much drama and it all seems ridiculous to be happening 10 days before I move across the country.
Anyway, Friday was a good day. I hung out with Ayrabeth. It was really nice. I'm glad we got the chance. We went to the mall, went to visit Isai'ah at the lab at school, went to Michael's then went to a party. The party was fun. The party was creepy at points, like when that guy told me I was cute as a button and unzipped my hoodie to "see what I had to offer." That boy deserved a kick in the balls. Michael saved me though, distracting him so that I could run away.
Saturday was amazing. Best valentine's day ever. Isai'ah and I went to San Francisco for the day. We flew up there, checked into the hotel, walked down to Pier 39, ate dinner at a table overlooking the bridge all lit up, went back to the hotel so I could put on better walking shoes, and continued to walk around downtown San Fran until about 2AM. The hotel room was really nice. It was the best night sleep I'd ever had, a large comfortable bed + Isai'ah's arms = amazing sleep. God I love that boy. I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost him yesterday. Especially from my own stupid mistake.
Today is Jessica's birthday!

10:13pm:
emo. 28-33 scene

5:01am: I tried to forget by laughing I tried to forget by drinking . . .
Ryan's gone. I'll probably never see him again. He left to move back to Washington tonight. I had to work, so I was very afraid that I would not get to see him before I left. Thankfully, he stopped by my work to say goodbye and give me his address in Washington so I could write and send him a birthday present, selfish boy ha. God, I'm going to miss him terribly. He says I'll forget about him sooner or later, but I don't think he understands how much he means to me. He also said he'll tell all his friends in Washington about the "most emo girl" he's ever met. I'm going to miss his making fun of me followed by his lame "I just get flustered around you because you're so pretty" excuses. I tried to get him to stay until I got off work so I could speak to him one last time and tell him some things I didn't want him to leave without knowing. Danni let me call him from work to stop him from getting too far north. He said he'd wait and I could meet him in the Santa Barbara area. Danni and I busted our asses to get off a half hour early so I could speed up there and see him, but by the time I'd gotten out I had a voice mail from him that said "I'm sorry, I left already. I can't stay and wait because I'm beginning to lose my desire to press on." Now he's gone and his "favorite emo girl" is left crying once again.
Other reasons why today was horrible:
-I got written up at work because I was so sick the other day that my roommate called me in sick. Now usually this wouldn't be a big deal since me jess and dani are all friends, BUT on this particular day the district manager was in the store and pretty much freaked out. She told Dani she had to write me up AND cut my hours back. I'm now only scheduled for two days next week when I need the money more than ever.
-I ate too much today and I kept it down, which could be considered a good thing but also I feel as though I've gained a person.
-Kim and Jess's big ER night was actually just Me Jess Kim Nick and Nick sitting in front of the tv while Kim shhhsshhed us and they're big background appearances on the show were cut out.
-I made a to-do list last Friday and I just realized that I have yet to do any of it
-I failed to convince Isai'ah to transfer to film school on the east coast to be near me.
-I failed to convince Isai'ah to accompany me to France on Valentine's day by using the refund money from Brooks for this session. He's reasoning being that it's "my parents money" and I'll get in trouble.
Oh how I long for a spontaneous trip to spice up my boring existence.

4:59am: working tomorrow. ER/Fondue/fooseball party on Thursday. Ryan leaves on Friday :-( It's 5AM and we're all still awake listening to "I Touch Myself" on Kim's computer and looking up mailorder brides.

http://electricalsocket.com/SocketBoy/splish011.phtml

PS. love is in the air

1:53am: dear lord
I'm not okay. Why do I do this to myself? I'm killing myself, slowly, but if I continue I'm sure it won't take so long. Help please . . .

2:08am: I hate sleeping alone . . .
Time is passing far too quickly lately. There are only six weeks until I have to start the drive home and honestly, I do not want to do this. Yes, I do want to go to art school in MA, yes I want to be near some of my old friends, yes I want to go to all of those shows that Patrice lists in her entries purposely to make me jealous (there's no need to deny it patty!!! haha), and yes being closer to family is more comforting, but lately I've just been in the midst of hanging out with my friends here and I'll stop and think "I'm having so much fun. I love these people and I may never see them again." I know it's a little melo-dramatic, but it's just what I'm afraid of. I just noticed that I say the word "just" way too often. It was in there another time, but I deleted it. I'm sleeping at home tonight, because Isai'ah has class in the morning and it's my little rule for him; no sleepovers on school nights. I was talking to my mom today about the trip home and she said something like "I just realized that you're going to be driving across country with your boyfriend. Promise there will be no funny business, or maybe you should go on the pill. Oh lord don't worry me, just promise me no funny business." I continued to break out into hysteric laughter. First because those words coming from my mom just sounded comical to me and second because she does not realize that both Isai'ah and I live in our own apartments, well with roommates in the other room, but you know. For some reason she believes it will be this drive across country that will spark the desire for this so called "funny business". It wouldn't happen when we sleep at eachothers places every night (except school nights, that's the rule!). Anyway, today we went to Steve's friend Devon's place and Isai'ah and Steve laid down the tracks for some new Christmas Surprise material. The funny thing is that they are both extremely talented at making music but they're just joking around making these strange Christmas Surprise things. Isai'ah could make some serious stuff. He's really good. Steve could be the next Jack Black. He's so freaking funny it's genious. We finally watched MindForrest today. Nothing else to say about that. I work tomorrow 10-2. At least I hope 10-2. Mellissa tried to cut my hours down to 11-2. F that! Then Blake said I could come in at 10 again but I think he said 10-3. Also, f that. The extra hour of pay would be nice but I'm tired. Maybe since they wanted to cut an hour off they'll have me work 10-1. That would blow. Ok no more shop talk. Ryan asked me if I wanted to date him until I leave. Of course he did right? Seriously, wait until I have a boyfriend and wait until I'm leaving in 6 weeks, that way there is a guarantee of no committment and only a good time right Ryan? I told him we could hang out, but not go out. Amazing story huh? Okay I am totally falling asleep . . .

10:03pm: my eyes are shutting . . .
I am so exhausted. We were up until like 7:20AM again this morning. I worked at 1-5 but had to stay until 8 because Amber didn't show up. So now it's only 10 and I'm passing out. We decided not to see eachother tonight because he has 8:30AM class and we both desperately need sleep, but grrrrr screw health, I want to see him. Break is over now and everyone is heading back to school, besides me. What am I going to do with my time? I guess apply to other schools and work. Jess is back. I missed her. Ok this entry was so damn pointless. I apologize.

7:28am: Nothing interesting . . .
Today was fun. I cleaned the house, well just the kitchen and the living room. The bedroom and the bathroom are for another day. I did some laundry, just one load though because I was running low on quarters. Nick and Nick and I went to Latte 101 then to Salzers. After that I hung out at their place and listened to my new CDs. Isai'ah called around 11 and I went and picked him up and took him back to the boys' apartment. We watched Romeo and Juliet. I shed tears everytime. Damn that movie. Then Isai'ah and I hung out at his house until about 6 when I finally let him go to sleep. I went to get some coffee because what's the point in going to bed now. So I filled out some applications and did that whole college process thing. Now I'm going to get ready for today. Big day at work and then off to LA.


( Killing time . . . )

4:46am: Wow . . .
Strangest night ever. I don't even know if it can be explained, but I'll try. It will no doubt disappoint though because I think it was one of those "had to be there" experiences. Isai'ah and I watched tv all night pretty much until about 2:45AM when we decided we were hungry. So we headed off to Denny's where we ran into three people that I had seen at the pool hall earlier while I was with Nick and Nick. Isai'ah had run into them the day before at the movies. It was two young girls, about 21, and a man in a leather jacket with long hair that seemed to be in his late 40's maybe. Well, they invited us to sit with them. Pretty soon we knew everything about their sex lives and ex's, that one of the girls and this 40 something year old have had sex in the past, that the man has made a movie and wants us to watch it, and that they're pretty much the most perverted people in the entire world. They made sex jokes and references the entire night. They constantly tried to tell us that we make a good couple, although we told them repeatedly that we are just friends. The word orgy slipped out when the man meant to say "Next time we have a séance we'll think of you" insert orgy in the place of séance. Then he went and got his digital camera and had the waitress take group photos of us. All we meant to do was go to Denny's and eat. It was hilariously entertaining. Now it is 4:45 and I just got home from this crazy mess. Soon I will have photos to go along with the story, it might better explain it. I'm beat. Goodnight all.

3:57pm: Nothing to do . . .
Being back in Mass was pretty bad, being back in Ventura is not much fun either. Everyone is still home with their families. I am alone. This forces me to hang out at Kit's place while his girlfriend is here visiting. I think my presence last night caused an enormous fight between them. I was upstairs with Owen, Steve and Isai'ah because they were playing "Christmas Surprise" for me. While I'm listening to this creepy CD we all hear banging and pounding and we assume it's the neighbors complaining about the volume, so we turn it off and head downstairs only to find that Kit and Jenny have left yelling and the noises were Jenny throwing things at Kit. Interesting . . .
Nick was supposed to help me with a project yesterday but because I didn't answer my door when he knocked (Ryan and I were still sleeping at this hour, it was probably around 12) he left and went down to LA for the day. He said he'd be back last night and would help me today instead, but he has yet to return.
I don't like roommates. I don't dislike my roommates, they're great, it's guys roommates that suck. A house full of boys is just dangerous to me.
Isai'ah is amazing.

4:47pm: We dance to all the wrong songs . . .
I've never realized how helpless I feel when I don't have the internet at my fingertips. It's quite pathetic actually. My computer is broken, and my roommate took hers home, so it's been about a week without internet access por moi. I could have waited the extra day until I get home to Marlboro, but unfortunately I needed to print out my e-ticket for the flight. So I did the only logical thing and broke into the office building at my old apartment complex, pretending that I still inhabit 1113 apt# 202, and am now using their computer.
My ride to the airport tomorrow decided to go up to Pismo with his family for the weekend. Lovely. Since my roommates are all gone, Ryan is MIA, Kit is working, and Gabe and Eric don't have cars, I'm now in quite the predicament. I have less than 24 hours to figure this out.
This Christmas will definitely be memorable. Not a good way of course. No matter how much you hate the holidays because family gatherings are never fun, people always fight and your family members end up hating eachother until it's time for Christmas once again, it is better than spending Christmas alone, across the country from your folks. Besides the two gifts I got from Dani and Nick, it was a giftless Christmas (not to sound materialistic, but I don't really believe in that whole god thing, so for me, Christmas is a materialistic holiday).
Christmas eve was spent working until close, then heading over to Eric's to hang out with him, Gabe, and Jon. This part of the evening was actually enjoyable. Then I drove them to their friend's party and headed over to Kit's to watch Christmas movies with him, his roommate and his sister. We watched Home Alone. Here's where Christmas eve turns evil. I then proceeded to go pick Eric's drunk ass up from a bar because I'm too nice to leave someone stranded for a ride. When we got back to his place, he proceeded to try and guilt trip me into having sex with him. When that did not work, he called me a tease and a flirt. When I told him I was leaving, he said "fine but this will be the last time I ever speak to you." Excellent Eric, thanks a bunch. So all distraught I head back over to Kit's. He consoled me and gave me a christmas stocking he'd made for me. :-) He's quite amazing.
The end of Christmas part 1.
Part 2: Christmas Day
I slept until about 1 or 2. There is really no point in getting up when you don't have any presents to open or gatherings to attend. Ryan was supposed to come over and spend the day with me, but he had to go to LA to do some editing on a movie. After I woke up, I didn't get out of bed like one would normally do, I just layed there and stared at the blinds for a good 3 hours. Finally Kit called and asked me to go to the movies with him and his friends. If it wasn't for Kit, I don't know . . . So we saw Big Fish and I gawked at Ewan McGregor, then I shed a few tears for the ending. We then went back to Kit's place and ate pumpkin pie.
End of part 2, end of Christmas.
So yes, I will be home tomorrow night, back in MA. I will be there until January 2nd. If anyone would like to see me the few days I will be in town, please let me know. Just post here or call my house number if you can remember it.
Take care.

3:34am: I have to go vomit now. . .

ok, what 80's song ARE you? (for the 80's lovers. yaaaaah! we're cool. wooooooooooooooo!!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Christian Slater is on television right now. I've had a crush on that man since I was 7. I saw his brother Ryan last weekend. He's a very cute guy too. Him and Nick showed up to Fred's when I was leaving with Brandon, so I only got to talk to him for a few seconds. I definitely should have stayed and hung out with all of those guys instead of leaving with Brandon . . .
Anyway, tonight sucked. Work was horrible. After 8:30 it was just Danielle, Kit and I until close. The place was packed. Danielle and Kit both had to be on register, leaving me alone to cover the floor. I was non-stop cleaning because I wanted to get out of there early, but with only one person on the floor, that didn't happen. The party tonight blew pretty hard too. We were only there for about a half hour before it got busted up by the cops. Apparently someone threw a cigarette at the cops, smart guy. So we left, drove Ryan home, then drove Brandon home. He gave me the silent treatment for awhile, then he yelled at me, then he came clean and told me he lied, then he lied about lying, then he wouldn't get out of my car. God, he's immature.
Eric's back in town. Once again my phone is ringing at 1:30 in the morning to hang out. Welcome home Eric.
Tomorrow I don't have to work again. Excellent! I have to wake up and call Kit to come to Brant's graduation with me. Then I have to do all the things I was supposed to do today but didn't. Then there's some premiere thing that Nick invited me to. Then there's Colby's party.
The Missing 23rd is playing tomorrow. It's pretty far though.
Ok that is all.
Oh wait, he asked me and I said no because I still love you. I know we're not getting back together. I don't expect us to. But I'm not going to be with him while I love you.

3:11am: I need you so much closer . . .
Today was my day off, what a wonderful thing, not having to work.
My tire blew out on the 101 today. It was very unfortunate. I was driving up to Brandon's and it just popped. Of course to make matters worse, I was in the far left lane and had to try to keep control over the car as I pulled off to the right shoulder. I called Brandon, but his line was busy, so I had to call road side assistance. I was informed that it would take 45 minutes for anyone to get to me. Luckily not too long after, Brandon called me and came to keep me company. Then he ended up knowing the kid who came to change the tire so I didn't have to pay him. That was a bonus.
From there Brandon and I went up to his friend Matt's in Santa Barbara. I'd never met Matt before. He was really nice and pretty adorable. Matt goes to Brooks in Santa Barbara. He's from West Virginia. We all watched that movie, Bam's movie, I forget what it's called and then we went to Denny's. Matt is a lot of fun. I hope we all hang out again.
So tomorrow I have to go get my tire fixed, mail home some christmas presents (Mike I finally got yours and you'll love it, I've been using it tonight though :-) haha sorry), go to court and pay my ticket, go to Victorias Secret and pay off my charge card, go meet Brandon's grandparents, go to class, go to work. Tomorrow is not going to be a good time.
Well, that is all, nothing interesting to report.

12:57am: Cellar door . . .
I hate when people say that they're coming over and then don't show up. I stayed in all night for no reason. Brandon said he'd be over after work. He was supposed to get out at 9. So I'm home waiting for him and he finally calls at like 10:30 and says he had to stay and close and that he'd be over in a little bit. Well, it's now 1AM and he isn't here and he hasn't called and when I called his house no one answered. It's frustrating.
I'm home alone, no roommates.
Tomorrow is going to be a horribly exhausting day. I have to work 7AM-9AM, go to school at 11:45-2:30 then go back to work from 4-11:30.
Working retail is the reason I don't clean the apartment. I spend all day cleaning up after other people. I fold shirts, walk away for two seconds, and then come back to find that all of the shirts have been unfolded. By the time I get back to my room, I just throw things on the ground, my apologies to my roommates.
Ryan came in to visit me at work today with some terribly sad news. He's moving to Chicago in two weeks. What in the world will I do without him? I tried to persuade him to stay but he said this place is killing him, eating him inside out. I understand that. I feel the same way. But two weeks!!?!? No sir, I will not let you go without me.
I think I'm going to go visit him at work now. I need to get all the Ryan time I can get . . .

5:02am: It's way too early in the morning . . .

what band will you get gang-banged by? by hulahoopwoundss
what band will fuck you (a lot)	the rapture - shake shake shake!
date it will happen	June 27, 2007
you will meet them at	their show (you fucking groupie)
how many STDs you catch	10
money you make from the video	$1,949,647
name
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

So anyway, big news, I'm coming home. Yes everyone in California is thrilled, everyone in Boston, beware. I decided to switch my major to still photography, photojournalism just isn't for me like I thought it would be. I have morals and I miss the darkroom. Anyway, when I announced this to the rentals, they decided for me that I should go to an art school back home that will not be as expensive as this money hungry school that I attend now. So I am off to finish this session, work for a few months, and then return to the wonderful state of Massachusetts. Am I bummed? Sometimes. I think of what a great name Brooks is to have when looking for a job, I think of the friends I've made that I will miss, then I realize that I fucked up tonight and lost my two best friends out here and suddenly, home seems like a good place to go.

12:28am: I'm done . . .
girl im sorry but i'm leaving.
we're both at fault, we're both to blame.
and it wasn't the other men cause there were other women.
this just isn't love, it's just the remorse of a loss, of a feeling.
even if i stayed it just wouldn't be the same.

double this drink up into the tallest glass you got.
you know i aint used to sleeping all alone.
gonna make it to the moon tonight on a 1 way kamikaze flight.
if i could get so high i'll leave behind my problems,
take em out with the empty bottles.

oh girl sorry but i'm leaving.
we're both at fault, we're both to blame.
and it wasn't the other men cause there were other women.
this just isn't love it's just the remorse of a loss of a feeling
even if i stayed it just wouldn't be the same.

me & this guitar are going swinging blind into the unknown.
you know a song & a stage is all i never needed of a home.
someday i, will call from a payphone in a truckstop on the road
& you'll tell me how much better off you've been on your own. (Against Me!)

I need to go. I need to get away. I need to just take off. I need to just be unreachable. I feel so horrible.

2:18am: Thanksgiving sucked
So Jess bought the Punk Goes Accoustic album from work. It was cheap and it had her favorite From Autumn to Ashes song on it so give her a break. Anyway, it has this song on it which is beautiful and it reminds me of someone back home that I wish felt this way . . .

STARTING LINE
Playing Favorites

I guess the most that i can do
is make a call and tell you the truth
sing the words in melody
and hope that you'll believe me
here's another song for you
so this one this one makes two
still don't know where to begin
i'll just leave it at this

i'm sure you always feel my eyes on you
but i hope that you will never feel unwanted
wait for me to move out west
it's ok if you don't
i hope you know
you're my favorite thing
about the west coast
i wish i stayed
i hope you wait
so here i am
counting down the days
till california comes

this is the least that i can do
you know i'm bad at calling you
the best way i can accept
the lonely words i miss you
i'll say it but i'm sure you knew
you're what i look most forward to
coming back to where i've been
i'll just leave it at this

i'm sure you always feel my eyes on you
but i hope that you will never feel unwanted
if you feel unwanted
wait for me to move out west
it's ok if you don't
i hope you know
you're my favorite thing
about the west coast
i wish i stayed
i hope you wait
so here i am
counting down the days
till california comes

I finally got down to Oceanside today to spend Thanksgiving with Kim and Jess at Kim's mom's place. Ryan drove me down there. I got there around 6 or 7. I forget. Then Jess and I drove home around 11:30. It was a crazy night full of mean gas station workers and closed 24 hour starbucks and strange guys at Rite Aid making comments about Jess's chest. The holiday was complete. I'm watching Late Night with Jay Lenno and he is just not funny. How do you get a late night show all to yourself if you have absolutely no comedic talent whatsoever? I'm coming home on December 27th. I won't be there for Christmas but a few days late isn't too bad. If you'd like to see me while I'm home, I'm sure I'd like to see you, so just let me know. I'll be leaving January 1st. That's plenty of time. I'm going to get some sleep for the big day of working retail tomorrow. Goodnight all. I hope you had a better Thanksgiving than I did. . .

9:43pm: But you've got too much to wear on your sleeves . . .
. . . it has too much to do with me and secretly I want to bury in the yard the grey remains of a friendship scarred

I didn't go to the wedding today. I worked. Tomorrow . . . I work. I'm really tired. I should actually try to go to bed at some point. Last night I was like "well there's the sun, I should try to sleep now." Eric called and told me to meet him at this party at like 2AM when I left Gabe's. It turns out it was at the house of the tour manager for Bad Religion or something like that. It was interesting. It was fun. I didn't stay very long. After having some drunk guy ask me the same questions over and over again and continously introducing himself to me, I got a little bored and ready to leave. Also Ryan was on his way to my house and I figured I should probably try to be there when he got there. I failed at this though. I don't know what's going on. Last night was really strange. I'm going to make a mixed CD for Patrice tonight. I'm going to put a bunch of bands I've been into lately on it and spice it up with some California local indie stuff that Gabe knows. I hope she likes it. Ok I'm tired and I think I'm going to take a nap before I have to meet up with Gabe. I am suffering from show deprivation!

10:33pm: No rich, no poor, no god, no war . . .
Man, this week could not get any worse. Not only did I bust my camera, get dissowned from my family, and have a relapse, but my apartment got broken into today. Nothing was stolen, thank god, but it's just really scary to know that someone was in our house and if Kim hadn't come home two seconds after they got in, all of our expensive equipment would have been gone. I had just bought a new camera and lens today and I think I would have fucking cried if it was stolen. I know that's really sad and a little pathetic that I would cry over material things like that, but it was so expensive and it's so my life. God this week has been way horrible. I don't even know what to do. John is in the hospital and he's not doing well. I hate when things go wrong that you have no control over and are completely helpless. There's nothing I can do but say "wow, that's so horrible, that poor kid does not deserve that." My Grandpa is in the hospital too. I'm now 2 projects behind because of this stupid camera accident. Life is depressing. I have a midterm tomorrow. I have to work at 8. I have to shoot something. I have to be to school at 8 on Friday too. I only got one hour of sleep last night. I'm so tired. But on a few happy notes in this neverending defeating shit, I had Krispy Kreme for the first time today, MA has legalized homosexual marriages, and Ryan kissed me. The end.

12:12pm: The end . . .
I hate work
I hate being too nice to everyone
I hate having my kindness be repeatedly taken advantage of
I hate check-out
I hate p22 kits
I hate having 4 projects due
I hate that there's drunken comments in your livejournal
I hate that he's gone this weekend
I hate that Jess isn't answering her phone right now
I hate that my lip is still sore
I hate that I haven't slept since yesterday morning at 9AM

10:51am: I miss you . . .
Nick gave me a Say Anything poster the other day. I was asleep and he just dropped it off at the apartment. I'm giving it back. I can't take that from him or anyone. It is the same poster that I gave to you. I don't know why it hurt to open it up. I don't know why I can't keep it. I just know that it doesn't feel right because it's our movie with our song and our scene and he can't be a part of that. I don't want him to be a part of anything. I miss you . . .